he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
