why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
