I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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