I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This can only be settled by a dance off.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
