He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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