i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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