I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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