remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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