He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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