remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
