Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
