party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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