You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
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When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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