final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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