i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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