Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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