Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
