I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
