Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
