Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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