Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
