i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
