It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
