so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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