Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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