Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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