I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
