i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
