i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
