Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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