Please, let me fuck your mom
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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