he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
