I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
