I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
