I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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