That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
