My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
