Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
