haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
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