the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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