FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
