Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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