It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
