Is it because I queefed?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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