I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
