also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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