After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Boobs speak an international language.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
