my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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