Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
