I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
