You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
