The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
