You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
