Where did you get a picture of my penis
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
