chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
