so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
