your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
