i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
