Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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