i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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